physical state

I lay on my bed shirtless and unshaved. The galvanizing muttonchops are a standard facet of my visage but they are now joined by thick, uncompromising bristles of hair which assert their will with incipient brutality and resolve across my chin and neck. It itches but shaving would be an ordeal. I kind of like the way that it itches. I like to feel shitty. I like to look shitty too, and right now I look like a swarthy Gallic street criminal. Dark facial hairs rendering a dark shadow on my face. My pronounced brow emanating an aura of malice as crazed eyes bursting with intensity lash out in animalistic confusion just underneath.

The hairs on my chest and shoulders are comically numerous, but thinner than the ones on my face and straighter than any other body hair I’ve ever seen. I’ve been eating a lot more carbohydrates lately so my torso is thick and endows me with a presence that unsettles and intimidates those who don’t know any better. Exceptionally broad shoulders taper into increasingly powerful lats, concluding with rather unfortunate patches of fat on my hips. My core muscles are visible but padded with fat. I love my torso, with one real exception: my chest muscles are too damn small. My gut only looks bad because it’s disproportionate to my weak chest. Moreover, a weak chest makes one look weak. This is an irrational aesthetic irony. You don’t use your chest muscles for much of anything. I do my prescribed push-ups with vigor and perfect form, and I perform the bench press dutifully even though it’s my least favorite lift. Neither have gotten me very far. The lower half of my body is monstrous. Gigantic muscular thighs, thighs that frighten me when I look in the mirror. They are currently sheathed by a pair of cheap blue jeans and I am tempted to remove them and gaze upon my powerful haunches. My large butt is clearly the product of innumerable heavy squats and not genetics; those well-practiced in the admiration of asses can spot the difference.

I have the body of a mighty brute. Just put me on a leash already.